These are cute though some are a little tongue-n-cheek…
One dark night two men were walking home after a party
and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath,
“You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon
making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided
the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of
composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets,
and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up
with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
hospital security guard who watched the whole incident
walked up and asked,
“What the heck is going on?”
The drunk, still staring down, replied:
“I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.”
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at he window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”
The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry; the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” the passenger yelled.
He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
WHY PUMPKINS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always
ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don’t like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush
filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAT SEX:
10. You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. The person giving you candy doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last 9 months.
4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you’re kinky.
3. It doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.